I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
