I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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