So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
