as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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