First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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