life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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