my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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