I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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