I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize