my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
