he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The beer is more important than you right now.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
