Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
and you fell through a lawn chair
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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