so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
