Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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