He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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