We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
