I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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