literally had 100 drinks last night.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
