this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
