I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
