I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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