Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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