Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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