dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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