Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
