when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
