They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
