My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
