He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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