Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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