Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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