so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Can vaginas get frostbite?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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