I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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