My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
