I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Randomize
