I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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