I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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