So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
