Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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