You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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