I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
my poor anus
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
