My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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