remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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