meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
