I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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