Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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