dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
