Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize