the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
two words...techno handjob
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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