your parents love me but you hate me
The maid of honor just puked.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
