I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize