my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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