I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
