Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize